that a child's birthday was a time to celebrate

I used to think that a child's birthday was a time to celebrate.
I didn't understand why the families I worked with hesitated.
Hesitated to throw a party.
Why my party suggestions were met with blank stares.
Not all the time.
Not for every child (especially the wee ones),
Not every year.
But sometimes they just didn't seem to want my suggestions:
   We could have people there to help make it successful.
   Plan activities the child and their peers enjoyed.
That should alleviate any concerns.
But it didn't.

Then this beautiful boy came into my life.
The first birthday he celebrated with me was a joyous event.
Then a year passed.
I cried for the whole week of his birthday.
I knew too much.
I knew what gains he wasn't making.
I could see the struggles ahead.
This wasn't a day to celebrate.
This was a day to morn.
To morn the loss of dreams.
Nothing can describe the pain.
To know that your child will never "get it".
Will never make a years'  worth of gains.
The 365 days that have passed are not filled with milestones.
They are marked by hard work, sacrifice and high costs.

The next years we went through the motions.
I hosted parties. Expensive ones, cheap ones.
Parties that other kids would like and want to come to.
Some years were better than others.
Some years it didn't hurt so much, or at least thats what I'd like to think.

Cake Pops in the park

Each spring I've marked the anniversary of when he came to live with me by writing an e-letter update.
This year I drew blank
I had no words to describe the hardest days I have ever walked through
 - there are battle scars to prove it.
I had no stories of success.
Nothing amazing that has been accomplished in a year.
The only words that came to mind were,
we made it.

This year I threw a different kind of party.
A party in the park. His favourite place.
We painted faces (not his).
We ran and played in the trees and the creek.
We ate cake pops. We sang Happy Birthday.
I told people what gifts to buy - iTunes gift cards!
And everyone celebrated his birthday.
But not me.
I had cried buckets of tears that week.
But at the party I was smiling.
Not a fake smile.
I was celebrating that
we made it!

And it was a good party :)